Vegetarian Star

Joeborden from Creative Commons

If you’re up late watching Fox on Saturday night, you’re lucky enough to be entertained by the handsome and funny Spike Feresten on his Talk Show with Spike Feresten.

Feresten has a segment called “Comedy for Stoners,” which features skits so bizarre, most people would think only someone under the influence imagines them (hence why only the stoned should find it comical, in Spike’s theory).

Recently, Spike aired a Comedy for Stoners which made fun of Joaquin Phoenix’s new rap career.

Joaquin is rapping in an apartment, when part of his “rhyme” is “turn up the radiator,” which he does and results in his electrocution. While Joaquin is passed out, he goes into a fantasy world where he has a conversation with a hamburger and almost eats it.

Yes, Spike has the vegan Joaquin Phoenix wanting to eat a hamburger! And there’s no Boca box nearby.

The hamburger convinces Joaquin not to eat him, but to eat his own beard instead, which Joaquin thinks is cotton candy due to his hallucinations.

My goodness, are you still reading this? Because even if you aren’t stoned, the weirdness itself is probably making you hallucinate.

In the end, because he came so close to eating the hamburger, Joaquin wakes from the dream deciding his next career move is to dress scantily while playing the cello and giving away hamburgers on the street.

And that’s Spike’s comical spin on how Joaquin similarly decided to go into rap. Fans of Phoenix know this is ridiculous.

The real Joaquin would have soy burger sign at his stand.

You can watch the episode which contains the Joaquin Phoenix Comedy for Stoners clip around minute 37 at Fox.com.

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If you like watching the “Extras” portion on DVDs you should take a look at these outtakes from Stephen Colbert’s Paul McCartney interview.

“Here’s my problem with vegetarianism,” says Colbert. “You can’t hunt vegetables. You cannot stalk a stalk of broccoli. You can’t fire off a shotgun into a field of asparagus.”

Paul suggests another type of “hunt” that takes place in your supermarket after spotting the vegetable of your choice.

“You don’t have to fire…lasso them…Broccoli, you’re mine…Straight to the checkout counter.”

Watch the video for laughs from scenes that didn’t, but should have, made the cut.

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“Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Dollhouse” actress Eliza Dushku angered animal rights groups recently when she announced on the “Jimmy Kimball Show” she took an Elk hunting trip to Oklahoma.

“A lot of people eat meat…and I eat what I kill,” she said in defense when the audience reacted negatively.

PETA responded to her in a statement, “Slaying bloodthirsty vampires on Buffy is brave, but slaying innocent animals where they live and raise their families is cowardly and cruel.”

Plus, it’s more environmentally friendly to slay and eat the vampires on Buffy.

Most of us vegetarians would obviously cringe at Miss Vampire Slayer’s actions, but you can probably bet most people in Kimmel’s audience weren’t vegetarian. And even some vegetarians don’t have problems with the theory of only killing what you need to eat in the wild, as long as it’s done quick and humanely. It’s mass factory farming and its destruction of the environment they’ve got a beef (pun intended) with.

No, most of them drive (or hopefully at least walk sometime to reduce their carbon emissions) to the grocery store and pick up meat that originates from an animal that wasn’t allowed to roam freely, pumped with more steroids than a pro bodybuilder, and slaughtered in the most inhumane way possible.

If killing animals for food worked similarly to misdemeanors, Dushku’s actions are Class C while the majority of meat eaters carry Class A on their records. Hunting for your own food and preparing it, in all its natural blood and guts, makes it impossible for someone to detach themselves from the origin of their food, something most meat eaters have long been able to do.

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Paul McGuigan is the director of Push, a sci-fi thriller about young American ex-Pats with telekinetic powers running from the U.S. Government. Some have compared the film to the NBC television show “Heroes.”

One scene of Push involves an explosion in a market where water and fish are thrown everywhere. McGuigan described how he and the crew discussed creating the scene to Movies Online.

“So we have a fish tank here and it’s going to blow up and then the fish is going to fly in the air or something and then I want you to come around here and then you go around that way and then, see this bit here?” he said.

One problem. There are live fish in the tank. One possibly bigger problem. McGuigan is vegetarian, had no problem blowing up live fish for the movie and only stopped because the actors (who were probably non vegetarian) protested.

“Oh no, we couldn’t blow up [the fish]. I wanted to do it. Did you hear that story? I’m a vegetarian and I had fish in the tank and all the actors came over and went, “Why are the fish still here?” and I went, “I’m just going to blow them up.” And they went, “What?!” I went, “Well, we’re in Hong Kong. Have you seen the markets on the corners?” Because you know all the fish are fresh and so they just take them out and go “Boom, boom.””

“So it never dawned on me and then suddenly when it dawned on me, I thought actually these guys are right. So we took all the fish out and we had no fish. So the only people harmed during this movie were the actors, not the fish. There’s actually no fish there if you look at the sequence, there’s no fish flying about. I actually wanted fish to be flying about but I was told no.”

Good to know the omnivores are watching the animals’ backs when us vegetarians suddenly develop moral schizophrenia and rationalize making fish bombs even though we don’t eat them.

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Cheryl Cole, judge on the UK television show X Factor, learned a hard lesson  Nigella Lawson did not long ago that joking around about animals is not always taking humorously.

Cole made the suggestion during an interview that Nadine Coyle, member of the band Girls Aloud owned a coat made of real fur.

Coyle walked into a store and picked up what she thought was a 500 pound coat (~$700 U.S.) but when she got to the checkout counter, the coat rang up at 5,000 pounds (~$5,000 U.S.) which led Cole to suggest it had to be made of fur.

Here’s a bit from the conversation that took place.

Cheryl: “It must be fur, is it fur?”

Nadine: “It’s fur.”

Cheryl: “There you go, it’s real fur.”

Nadine: “It’s like, er, tiger, like a white and black tiger.”

After animal rights groups heard this, Coyle and her publicists were flooded with calls.

A spokesperson for Coyle and her band said that the ladies were only joking, but he couldn’t confirm the materials in Coyle’s coat.

“You’ll see it’s Cheryl that said it was real fur – Nadine didn’t know what it was made of. Nadine is in America now, so I can’t ask her about the coat but I doubt she knows what it is made of.”

We doubt it was tiger fur, but really, could it have been mink, fox, or any other combination of critters used in the fur industry?

Here’s hoping Nadine just bought an over-priced coat that only celebrities can afford that is completely synthetic.

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Stephen Colbert is proving he’s not of fan of vegetarianism. Not long ago, we brought you the video of him making fun of PETA’s new Sea Kitten Campaign, when he renamed animals to sound more vegetarian friendly like calling owls “sky nachos.”

Recently, he had Sir Paul McCartney on his show where he questioned the ex Beatle’s vegetarian diet.

“I have a beef to pick with you, sir, in that you don’t eat beef,” Colbert said. McCartney goes into detail about him feeling animals are sentient beings that deserve to live and not be eaten by humans and that the Dalai Lama agrees with him. The ever so sarcastic Colbert asks, “Don’t you think if the animals had the opportunity, they would eat us?”

Colbert’s starting to sound like Karl Lagerfeld.

McCartney replied with, “In an emergency, perhaps the Dalai Lama would eat me.”

Watch and listen to Paul say his midriff is the best part to eat during an emergency.

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Joan Rivers recently took a charity trip to China where she fears she may have eaten canine meat.

“You say to them, ‘Is this dog? Just tell me,’ and they say, ‘No, no, no…’ (but) I know I ate dog.”

“I love dogs; I have three rescue dogs – you hate to eat what you love.”

The easiest way to avoid eating what you love is to avoid eating meat altogether. She was in China, after all, where she could have easily asked for a platter of tofu, rice, and veggies.

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Who would’ve thought when we posted the information given by Gossip Girl book series author Cecily von Ziegesar about book Aaron being a vegan that there would be more veggie “gossip” about the show to come.

In the latest scoop, Blair (Leighton Meester) and Serena (Blake Lively) make a joke about seitan, which some people think is a jab at the Brown University hippie vegetarian culture.

Serena: I’m just reading the Brown catalog. Oh, and I ordered a home dreadlocking kit. Wanna meet up later?

Blair: Definitely! Maybe we can get a jump start on your veganism — have some celebratory seitan at Angelica Kitchen?

Serena: I can’t think of anything better…or grosser.

Katie Molinaro, a blogger for the Huffington Post, didn’t think the joke was very funny. She often writes posts on vegetarian/vegan issues and had this to say about the clip:

“Groan. “Gossip Girl” writers, really?…It’s time to grab your Marc Jacobs trench and step outside of the writers’ room for a minute.”

“In addition to being terribly outdated, referring to vegan food as gross shows how uninformed the writers are. There are vegetarian restaurants around the country that are serving innovative and delicious meatless dishes, and Gossip Girl’s hometown of New York City has some of the best. Perhaps before writing another circa 1987 vegan joke, the writers should try the sweet and sour seitan nuggets at Tiengarden in the Lower East Side or the flame-grilled seitan skewers at Blossom in Chelsea or the soul chicken platter at Red Bamboo in Greenwich Village (and Brooklyn, but with the things they write about that borough I don’t think they’re welcome there).”

Molinaro then goes on to nominate the Atkins diet as the new butt of a food joke because of its high fat, greasy red meat content.

Go Katie!  We second the nomination. Go watch the video of the clip in Katie’s post, then tell us what diet or food product you would like to be the butt of the joke.

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