Vegetarian Star

“Mike Tyson says he’s now a vegan. So he now only nibbles on ears of corn.”

–submitted by a reader of the New York Times, on Mike Tyson‘s recent announcement that he’s gone vegan and making light of when Tyson bit a competitor’s ear during a boxing competition. Evander Holyfield can rest easy.

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Gwyneth Paltrow has recently shared on her blog, Goop, the diet and fitness regime she adhered to while getting fit for her new role in Iron Man 2.

Paltrow is known for her use of ingredients that, although many vegetarians find as staples, like vegan Mayonnaise, has brought her ridicule and called an elitist.

Ahlanlive took advantage of her latest newsletter entry to mock her diet, citing what Paltrow uses in her world, versus what regular Joe’s use in theirs.

GOOP World: 7am: Wake up, have a green tea
Real World: 7am: Alarm goes off. Unpeel tongue from roof of mouth. Momentarily wish was dead as preferential to getting up and going to work. Hit snooze button.

GOOP World: Post-workout: Kale Juice (kale, lemons, agave nectar, cold water)
Real World: What the hell is agave nectar?

GOOP World: 1pm Lunch: 1 Mountain Valley Wrap, 1.5 tablespoons of Almond Butter, Chopped Dates
Real World: “Hello, is that More? Yeah, can I get a lasagne for delivery, please? Yep, that’s it, thanks. No nothing else.” Pause. “And chips.”

Is your life closer to Goop World or Real World?

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Jockey Liam Hollins The Favorite To Brutally Whip Horse To Kentucky Derby Win

The Kentucky Derby ends today, much to the relief of animal lovers everywhere that know many horses don’t make it through the race uninjured–or alive.

The Onion has provided a little satire to the situtation, as news anchors provide commentary on the champion “Horse beaters,” and the techniques they use to make horses race faster in a sport where “there are no rules.”

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Jimmy Kimmel featured a funny video featuring cats recording a “We Are The World” like song about the plight of their eviction.

Definitely worth the watch for some good afternoon humor.

The planned George W. Bush presidential library on the Southern Methodist University campus is also home to feral cats that will soon face eviction.

According to the LA Times, a feral cat program was started by the university in 2005 in an effort to control the population, which has dwindled dramatically since its inception.

It’s expected that the remaining cats will be relocated to a nearby woods area.

One effective way at reducing feral cat numbers and improving their lives (and the accompanying problems such as loud noise from fighting behaviors, flea infestations and odor from males marking territory), is the use of Trap-Neuter-Return programs.

TNR cats are spayed/neutered, vaccinated from rabies and surgically ear-tipped, which is the universal sign a cat has gone through the TNR system.

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Christian Lander, founder and writer on the very popular and satirical Stuff White People Like blog, that launched millions of visits, thousands of discussions, a book deal and a dozen other “Stuff People Like” blogs, is the authority on what the subject of his humor–college educated, upper middle class, often liberal Caucasians–enjoys.

Lander jokingly told the Arkansas Times he predicts the next very environmentally friendly and sustainable trend among white people is gardening.

As a white person, he’s already tried it.

“Um, “growing your own food” is trending pretty hard. I spent $80 to grow two tomatoes last summer. They were terrible tomatoes, but I lied to myself and told myself they were delicious.”

Guess Lander didn’t bother consulting any Gardening Guides before planting those organic tomatoes.

Ironically, he says backlashes are another trend that might show up and vegetarians may feel the brunt of it.

“It was like the whole backlash against bacon after everyone wanted to go vegetarian, then people started getting annoyed with vegetarians so they went as far the other way as possible.”

Confusing, since #32 on the list of Stuff White People Like is Vegetarian/Veganism.

White, black, brown, purple and green people should get on this latest bandwagon and plant your own tomatoes, green beans, lettuce and everything else.

And if you haven’t already done #32 on the list, it’s time.

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Prince Fielder‘s success at the ballpark is so sought after, the Brewers are willing to do anything they can to retain him, including giving him a salary increase at the expense of the residents in Wisconsin, according to OnMilwaukee.

A vegetarian tax is being proposed, with a 5% charge on such items.

But Republican representative Scott Newcomer is certain the pinch will hardly be felt by those that eat the food.

“These vegetarians are wired a little differently. Most of them live on the East Side and they wear funky T-shirts and beat up old sandals, but you know they have money.”

“You have to be affluent to be a vegetarian. They pay extra for organic produce and free-range bean curd. I don’t even think they’ll notice the extra charge.”

With Fielder’s success on the field, you’d think more people would be encouraging vegetarianism as they see not only is the diet tasty, but can physically support the endeavors of a major league baseball player.

But some people are apparently worried about their cows.

Jeffrey Mursau, a Republican from Crivitz, said, “This is a no-brainer for me, given that there are a lot of cattle and dairy farms in my district,” he said. “People up north don’t trust anyone who doesn’t eat meat. And frankly, I find soy stupid.”

“I think this tax is a great idea because real Brewers fans eat bratwurst. They don’t want expensive tofu dogs that taste like cardboard.”

One final April Fool’s story to add to the day’s mix.

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When one spouse turns vegetarian, life may be a little difficult for the remaining carnivorous one.

Who will cook the local insects, for example.

In Dear Abby‘s April Fool’s edition, a man from Arkansas complains about his vegetarian wife, who gained weight and refuses to kill the roaches around the house.

What’s Abby’s advice?

“I’ll let you know if I hear from anyone who wants to weigh in on your problem. But in the meantime, you’ll have to cook your own steaks and kill your own insects.”

Arkansas Carnivore should give the No Kill Bugbuster to his wife for her birthday or their next anniversary.

Vegetarian Star recommends giving it sooner as a surprise, “Just because I love you,” gift before the bugs multiply any more.

The wife can suck up the bugs and transplant them elsewhere without having to compromise on her no kill philosophy.

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In honor of both April Fool’s and Easter approaching, we bring you news courtesy of The Spoof.

Although scholars have long thought The Last Supper consisted of bread and wine, new evidence suggests Jesus and the apostles ate at a Burger Queen restaurant in East Jerusalem.

All had burger, fries and diet coke, except for Judas, the “creepy” vegan.

“Judas acted like a complete prick and insisted on lecturing the fast-food clerk on the evils of eating meat and the virtues of vegetarianism. He ordered a salad with French dressing, just hours before making the worst betrayal in human history. Judas was a typical vegan creep.”

After Jesus raised his hamburger bun over his head and turned it into his body and turned his Diet Coke into blood, The Spoof reports that “everyone soon lost their appetite and left the Burger Queen.”

These new findings have prompted the Vatican to team up with Burger Queen to open franchises at all Catholic churches.

Just hope a meatless BQ makes the menu, cause creepy vegans say Hail Marys too, especially when forced to enter a burger restaurant with non vegetarian friends.

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