Vegetarian Star

Prince Fielder‘s success at the ballpark is so sought after, the Brewers are willing to do anything they can to retain him, including giving him a salary increase at the expense of the residents in Wisconsin, according to OnMilwaukee.

A vegetarian tax is being proposed, with a 5% charge on such items.

But Republican representative Scott Newcomer is certain the pinch will hardly be felt by those that eat the food.

“These vegetarians are wired a little differently. Most of them live on the East Side and they wear funky T-shirts and beat up old sandals, but you know they have money.”

“You have to be affluent to be a vegetarian. They pay extra for organic produce and free-range bean curd. I don’t even think they’ll notice the extra charge.”

With Fielder’s success on the field, you’d think more people would be encouraging vegetarianism as they see not only is the diet tasty, but can physically support the endeavors of a major league baseball player.

But some people are apparently worried about their cows.

Jeffrey Mursau, a Republican from Crivitz, said, “This is a no-brainer for me, given that there are a lot of cattle and dairy farms in my district,” he said. “People up north don’t trust anyone who doesn’t eat meat. And frankly, I find soy stupid.”

“I think this tax is a great idea because real Brewers fans eat bratwurst. They don’t want expensive tofu dogs that taste like cardboard.”

One final April Fool’s story to add to the day’s mix.

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When one spouse turns vegetarian, life may be a little difficult for the remaining carnivorous one.

Who will cook the local insects, for example.

In Dear Abby‘s April Fool’s edition, a man from Arkansas complains about his vegetarian wife, who gained weight and refuses to kill the roaches around the house.

What’s Abby’s advice?

“I’ll let you know if I hear from anyone who wants to weigh in on your problem. But in the meantime, you’ll have to cook your own steaks and kill your own insects.”

Arkansas Carnivore should give the No Kill Bugbuster to his wife for her birthday or their next anniversary.

Vegetarian Star recommends giving it sooner as a surprise, “Just because I love you,” gift before the bugs multiply any more.

The wife can suck up the bugs and transplant them elsewhere without having to compromise on her no kill philosophy.

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In honor of both April Fool’s and Easter approaching, we bring you news courtesy of The Spoof.

Although scholars have long thought The Last Supper consisted of bread and wine, new evidence suggests Jesus and the apostles ate at a Burger Queen restaurant in East Jerusalem.

All had burger, fries and diet coke, except for Judas, the “creepy” vegan.

“Judas acted like a complete prick and insisted on lecturing the fast-food clerk on the evils of eating meat and the virtues of vegetarianism. He ordered a salad with French dressing, just hours before making the worst betrayal in human history. Judas was a typical vegan creep.”

After Jesus raised his hamburger bun over his head and turned it into his body and turned his Diet Coke into blood, The Spoof reports that “everyone soon lost their appetite and left the Burger Queen.”

These new findings have prompted the Vatican to team up with Burger Queen to open franchises at all Catholic churches.

Just hope a meatless BQ makes the menu, cause creepy vegans say Hail Marys too, especially when forced to enter a burger restaurant with non vegetarian friends.

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A company owned by former hunters is looking for food scientists to recreate the experience of road kill.

Hunter’s Vegetarian is based in a small town in Alabama, and partners Jim Simmons and Allison Montgomery aren’t satisfied with traditional faux meat found at grocery stores.

“I’m glad I turned vegetarian for my health, but I wouldn’t be lying if I told you I didn’t miss the occasional country critter,” said Simmons.

Simmons is referring to the dozens of squirrels, raccoons and other animals he’d hunt and come home and cook.

He dream might come true soon.

Montgomery, his girlfriend he met on a hunting trip, who also turned vegetarian, just happens to be the daughter of a very prominent scientist at a university who says faux squirrel is as easy to duplicate as soy burgers.

Montgomery’s parent is working on the project part time, while she and Simmons are giving input about the taste. The goal is to complete the final recipe by next year and begin marketing it to local health foods stores like Whole Foods.

“If you can make fake chicken, ham and turkey, why not make fake raccoons?” asked Simmons, adding that if the squirrel and raccoon loafs and tenders do well, they might expand their brand to deer and birds.

Note: This story is a bunch of vegan hogwash. But it’s April 1st, so what were you expecting?

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Indian-born billionaire Pankaj Oswal and his socialite wife Radhika have hired contractors to build a $70 billion dollar mansion and they are banning the workers from eating meat.

“She still wants them to build her $70 million mansion, but she’s telling them what they’re going to eat . . . it’s wrong,” said Construction, Forestry, Mining and Energy Union Western Australian assistant secretary Joe McDonald, who called the ban “absolutely wrong.”

“I respect everybody’s right to practise their religion, but I totally disagree with anyone forcing it on others.

“If people are working on the job and they want to have a ham sandwich or a bacon and egg sandwich, they should have one.”

Calm down now, Joe.

There is a meat ban. No where did it say the Oswals were vegan.

The Oswals are vegetarians for both religious and other reasons and Mrs. Oswal says that the meat industry “rapes the earth” and by continuing to eat meat you are creating a vicious cycle.

Sources say some workers at the site are eating meat out of spite.

In a perfect world, an employer would let you do as you please, but unfortunately rules for working, dressing and behaving usually are included in the paycheck package.

If what goes in the workers mouth during lunchtime is regulated, they should relax in knowing it’s only an eight hour shift.

And better hope the vegetarian Trumps don’t have to come back to say, “You’re fired!”

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The world’s first discovered vegetarian spider, Bagheera kiplingi, who we’ll call B.K., has been making headlines for bypassing the bug deli and heading straight for the leaf salad bar.

“This is really the first spider known to specifically ‘hunt’ plants; it is also the first known to go after plants as a primary food source,” said study researcher Christopher Meehan of Villanova University in Pennsylvania.

But before we get too excited, it should be noted that B.K. “cheats” from time to time.

Although its primary diet is plants, the Central American spider will occasionally eat ant larvae.

via treehugger.com

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Meet Mr. Bumble.

Sir Bumble hails from the UK and was put on a vegetarian diet after his former owners gave him to the Royal Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA).

Apparently, bacon is what caused Mr. Bumble to lose his sexy figure.

Mr. Bumble, who’s currently the Hot Slut of the Day,  is now residing in Tropiquaria animal park near Watchet, Somerset, according to BBC reports, and park owner Chris Noisier said: “We’re now working on dieting him down to what he should be and clearly bacon butties are not a normal part of a skunk’s diet in the wild.”

Skunks are omnivores, but usually stick to bugs and frogs in addition to berries, plants, and fruit.

Mr. Bumble weighs in at 14 pounds and needs to lose 5 or 6.

“We’re putting him on the vegetarian option at the moment. It’s very much like a human weight-watching issue,” Noisier said.

When Mr. Bumble slims, will he become the next pro vegetarian model for a certain animal rights groups that will probably ask him to take his clothes off as well?

One thing’s for sure, he’s definitely an anti-fur activist.

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Awhile back, Moby wondered if zombies would eat vegans, after one was captured escaping a car.

Now, we know the answer, thanks to cartoonist Dan Piraro.

Zombies are vegans.

Dan tweeted this lovely little Haiku poem that explains zombies go for the grains.

The vegan zombie

Cares not for sweet grey matter

They cry out for “grains.””

Always nice to get things resolved.

Check out some of Dan’s cartoons at bizarro.com.

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